Another Time For Reflection

In my last song entry “Tears of the Dragon”, it has embodied what I have been feeling for the passed three months. If you listen - or in this case read – the blog entry of the song, you will see that the singer has so much on him that he has to release lest it would consume him.

For too long now
There were secrets in my mind
For too long now
There were things I should have said

Every feeling that I have has been pent up inside of me. There are secrets, there are feelings that I should have let out long ago and just not kept it to myself.

In the darkness
I was stumbling for the door
To find the reason
To find the time, the place the hour

Because of all these pent up emotions, I have become unfocused. I couldn’t see clearly. everything is so dark that I wander aimlessly all alone in the night.

Waiting for the winter sun
And the cold light of day
The misty ghost of childhood fears
The pressure is building
And I can’t stay away

There are so much pressure building inside of me that it’s really hard not to be afraid of them. You wait in anticipation of what might happen to you but at the same time you’re scared of what it would mean.

From where I was
I have wings I couldn’t fly
From where I was
I had tears I couldn’t cry

Because of all these pent up pressure, I know that I can do so many things but at the moment I have them on hold because it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.

My emotions
Frozen in an icy lake
I couldn’t feel them
Until the ice began to break

I have become unfeeling. I pretend to smile and laugh on the outside but on the inside I feel numb. Some close friends of mine has been telling me that my eyes lost all emotions. Before any of this, my eyes were the ones that were full of life. All my emotions could be seen in my eyes. But now, all you can see is darkness. Blank. Empty.

I have no power over this
You know I’m afraid
The walls I build are crumbling
The water is moving
And I’m slipping away

I felt like I lost control of my whole body. I fell like a robot doing things automatic. Wake up. Eat. Take a bath. Eat. Laugh. Eat. Sleep. Talk to people. Eat.

I need release. I need to get everything out of me so that I can feel again.

I throw myself into the sea
Release the wave
Let it wash over me
To face the fear I once believed
The tears of the dragon, for you and for me

This pent up depression, stress and anger should be released. And I have done just that last Saturday when I had told my close friend one of the biggest secrets that I had kept from everyone including my family. I have been keeping it from everyone for the passed two weeks. The release of all the emotions and pain that I was suffering has got my mind cleared up and made me see things in a different light.

I wouldn’t lie to you that I had been thinking of killing myself because I thought I cannot handle all the problems that I have to deal with about my life. But the release has helped me overcome the suicidal thoughts. I know that I can overcome the tears of the dragon if I let myself go so that all the problems could be washed away.

Slowly I awake
Slowly I rise
The walls I built are crumbling
The water is moving
And I’m slipping away

It’s good to have friends who were there to listen. They didn’t judge. They were just there to listen and gave a shoulder to cry on while I let out all the pent up emotions that has been bothering me. It was definitely a relief. It was the release I needed to move on.

Though at the moment, I need directions on where to go.