I Don’t Want To Say Goodbye

With all the problems I have right now, I didn’t pay much attention to it anymore when I found out that my best friend was in worst shape than me. I put it all aside just so that I would be able to be with her. I can’t accept it. It’s just not fair that an angel like her would be suffering so much. And I just can’t let go.

I know that she’s gotten worse when I saw her last Christmas. I know years before that she has leukemia. I also know that after a few years after we all found out that her body wouldn’t respond to the medications anymore. She was trying her best to keep on living. Sheer willpower was the only thing that’s keeping her alive and some other medicines prolonging the inevitable. And that Christmas, the revelation that she told me made me sort out my priorities right then and there. I knew that she needed me again like she needed me before when we were kids.

It was the Christmas season, Jenny arrived at the house of the family of my soon to be ex-wife. I was staying there with her family and I guess even if the saying goes that “blood is thicker than water” in my case, the family of Tina (my wife) wanted me to stay with them. They told me that I was more a family to them than Tina ever was.

Anyway, when Jenny arrived, I saw the drastic change in her. She was pale as the moon and I could see small circles forming in her eyes. She was still as cheerful as ever but I could see the effort that she was doing just to keep that smile and that energy. But that time I was still oblivious to everything because I have other things running in my mind that I thought it was just the lighting in the room. I was going to tell her about my plans in divorcing my wife and I needed her support. But as I’ve said, my priorities changed after.

Her boyfriend, who was the cousin of my wife, went to her and gave her a warm welcome. The whole family was there at the moment playing a board game. They all stopped and welcomed Jenny when her boyfriend was ready to share her with the rest of us. She brought gifts for my two kids, her goddaughter and the rest of the family. But I can see that she was trying hard to make it look like she wasn’t having trouble at all.

Finally I was able to get close to her and gave her my greetings for the holiday season. We gave each other a warm hug and proceeded with the greetings and welcomes. When we finally let go of each other, that was when I noticed that it wasn’t the lighting that gave her the pale skin. She was really pale and sickly.

“You’re so pale, Jen,” I said.

“I prefer to be called porcelain skinned,” she replied with a smile, her voice teasing. Much like those days when we were still kids.

“Either way, there’s something wrong,” I answered. “What wrong, Jen?”

“I’m here because you need me, Carl,” Jenny said, trying to ease her way out of telling me what’s wrong. “Let’s not talk about me. You have pressing problems and I’m here to be your best friend.”

She gave me a smile. Her smile could always lift up someone’s mood. It has always lifted Jason’s mood and mine every time she does that. And I know that smile always kept me from knowing things that I should have known. Damn that smile!

So we went to the terrace where I know we could talk without interruptions. Forgetting everything else and my concern for her health, I told her my problems, my plan for a divorce and what I’m planning to do with my kids if it will pull through. I told her about Tina’s infidelity and dolled on about the problems that I am facing since I’m trying to finish law. I told Jenny about the support Tina’s family has for me and that they would do everything so that I would get custody of my children.

As I kept on talking and explaining to her what’s been happening with my life, she listened. Her eyes were glued to my face and listened to me go on and on about the problems of my life. She didn’t say anything while I was talking, she just nodded her head trying to tell me that she was listening and was trying to assess the situation. She was always a fair listener. She didn’t judge. She asked the right questions and trying to her best to not choose sides. And knowing Jenny, even if you’re her best friend, if she knows that you were wrong, she would tell you. She’s not the kind of person who would choose your side because you’re her best friend. She would choose your side if she knows you’re right.

That was one of those moments when she chose my side. But she never got to her point why she chose me because she started to cough. I had to get her down from the terrace and back inside the warm living room. When we got there, her boyfriend’s family were worried at her condition. Aside from her leukemia, she also has a heart ailment. Her heart was the one that usually gave her a hard time. There are times when I forget that she has leukemia because her heart more of a burden to her than her cancer. She never did bother with her cancer because her heart was her concern most when we were growing up. And I guess that it’s giving her a hard time again.

We did everything we could just to keep her warm and get her to stop coughing. I was honestly worried as hell for her. Her body was even paler than when she got here, if that was even possible. She was lying down, struggling for air because of her cough. But I know that I would finally get the answer that I had been meaning to ask her before we went up the terrace.

Finally her cough subsided and she was able to breathe better. She looked so harassed and tired I don’t exactly know how she handles it all. She gave me a weak smile and started to sit-down.

“How are you, angel?” Matthew, her boyfriend, said while helping her up.

She leaned her body to him when she was already in a sitting position and was now trying her best to breathe properly. “I’m okay now that you’re here,” she answered Matthew with a smile.

“I’m worried for you Jenny,” I finally said. “What’s going on?”

She looked at me and gave me a weak smile. She closed her eyes trying to take comfort from her boyfriend’s presence. Matthew drew the covers to her covering her up to her shoulders when he saw that she was shivering. She gave a sigh and opened her eyes to look at me.

“I don’t want to burden you with more concerns,” she slowly said.

“That would make me an awful best friend if I don’t know what’s wrong,” I replied. “Is your heart giving you problems again?”

She gave me a smirk and closed her eyes again. I thought the reason why she was smirking was because I was right. But yet again, I forgot that she has leukemia. What she said when she spoke again felt like being hit by a block of ice.

“I’m getting worse, Carl,” she said almost in a whisper. “And it’s not the heart this time. You know how much we were keeping it at bay. But we can’t keep it at bay anymore. I’m dying.”

“What?!?” Was all Matthew could say when he heard it. He too was shocked at her announcement. He slowly stood beside me, making sure that Jenny leaned on the wall for support before doing so.

I just stood there stunned. I didn’t know what to say. I just looked at her and saw the realization that she was right. But I can’t accept that. I won’t accept that.

“No,” I finally got the courage to speak. “You can’t. You were doing so well. You were getting better.”

She gave me a dumbfounded look. She looked at herself and then back at me. A crease formed on her forehead telling me that she was upset.

“Why do you keep a blind eye at this?” She asked. “Do you honestly think that I am better when you can clearly see that I’m not? Carl, look at me. You said so yourself I’m as pale as the moon. I don’t see why you’re in denial when I’ve already accepted it.”

Matthew just stood there, looking at Jenny with sad eyes. I could see that it hurt him very much to see her like that. He lost a sister to brain cancer years ago, now knowing that Jenny would probably be facing the same fate, I don’t think he can take so much. But he kept silent with the whole ordeal. He just let me and Jenny talk things over. But I know that he feels the way I do that he also didn’t want her to die. But like Jenny said, there was nothing we can do to stop it.

“It’s long passed due, you know that,” Jenny continued to say. “You know for a fact that I have been living on borrowed time, prolonging my life by sheer willpower. But I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore. I have been fighting for years now. Even the doctors thought that it was amazing that I’m still alive. But it’s getting harder to fight back. I don’t think I can take more of this. I just want to rest already.”

But I’m as stubborn as ever. I still don’t want to accept what she just told me. I don’t want her to go. I’m not ready. I can’t lose her the way we lost Jason before. It’s just not possible.

“NO!” I screamed. “We lost Jason and now I’m losing you! I can’t do this Jenny. I need you here. I can’t face that fact yet. It’s too much for me. I have so many things on my mind right now and this revelation is hurting me so much. I can’t just sit down and say that I will be okay because I’m not and I won’t be if you leave me. I can’t do this alone. You can’t die! I won’t let you.”

This remark made Jenny smile in spite of herself. I guess that short laugh made me and Matthew at ease even for a short time. Hearing that laugh, I guess it just tells us that she’s still Jenny, despite the fact that she was giving up the fight already.

“I’ll still be here,” she replied. “Remember what we agreed before? Just look up at night. My star will shine on you always so you know that I haven’t left you.”

“It’s not the same.”

“This is the reason why I don’t want to tell you,” Jenny remarked while she massage her temples with her fingers. “You have so many problems right now that I don’t want to burden you with more.”

“What about me? Are you going to hide that fact from me as well? Are you even planning on telling me or were you just waiting for me to find out at your funeral?”

It took us a few moments to realize that the person who spoke was Matthew. He kept silent all through the whole ordeal that I completely forgot that he was there with us. I saw his face already tear streaked. I guess the thought of losing Jenny was so painful for him to bear more than what I a currently feeling. After all, he did love Jenny with all his heart. He considered her his soul mate and I guess with the knowledge that she would be gone in his life, he’s devastated.

Jenny lowered her head so that she would look into his eyes. I can see by the way she acted that she was uncertain of what to say.

“I don’t know how to tell you,” Jenny finally said. “I don’t want you to go through the same pain that you went through with Lyn. I don’t want to leave as well but I can’t fight anymore. I’m just so tired now.”

Matthew immediately went to her and captured her in his arms. He held her there and started to cry even more.

I saw the two couples held each other and I just left them there. I went up to the terrace and just stared at the stars. The announcement that Jenny gave me was still mind numbing as ever and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s clear that Jenny has accepted her fate. After all, she has been living on borrowed time ever since we’ve found out. But that fact still wouldn’t ease my pain. I have lost so much in my life already. I lost my younger sister when she was giving birth at the age of 15. Chelsie Joy her daughter is a wonderful kid with the qualities of both her mom and dad but still I miss Jamie so much. And then there’s Jason, my other best friend. He died of aids. When he died I have to be the support group for Jenny when she found out that he died. I was as devastated as her but I have to be strong, after all she already had leukemia that time and I didn’t want her to think that dying was a way out of the pain. And now, it was her time to go as well. With all the problems that I have right now, I don’t know what to do anymore. But one thing is certain, I would be there for her whatever happens. Even if I’m not ready to give her up. Even if I would still try to fight for her health with every possible way I could. I would be there to support her again. I wouldn’t leave her to do this alone. Even if she will leave me all alone.

I went back downstairs to the family that I know call my own and be just be with Jenny until He takes her away from me forever.

I hope you guys like the story…yes it’s just a story. I’m sorry if I didn’t write this down on top but I wanted to see your reaction to it. Anyway, I really hope you like it. This is just one of those days when I was in a creative writing mood and just let my mind wonder off to make a story. Anyway, have a great day! And don’t forget to have fun!