What Am I Doing?

Why do I get the feeling like I can't please myself these days?

After I left Miriam and went to work here at Ragnarok, I find myself not enjoying as much as I would want to and is again, looking for an alternative to leave. Even if I'm not in a hurry to do so, I still don't get myself why I'm not content with what I have right now? What is wrong with me these days that I don't seem to be satisfied with the things I have and the things I'm doing?

Is this because of what's been happening to my personal life? After that incident (and I still can't get myself to tell the world) I find myself empty. I smile, laugh and just act normal on the outside but on the inside I'm devoid of all emotions. I honestly couldn't care less if one day I get rammed by a car or get in a middle of a cross fire. But still I wonder why?

I am not satisfied with what I have now. The Ragnarok job, is kids work. Even a 7year old could do a better job than what I can offer them here. But after that interview and exam that I took yesterday at Victoria Court (where I was there the whole day) I find myself accepting this job more than the one being offered there. I mean, Victoria Court offers great benefits that I would love to have but nowadays they just seem trivial to me. Like I don't care because I don't see myself ever using it in the longrun.

I honestly want to know what's wrong with me. I'm not like this on normal circumstances. I've changed but I'm afraid that it was for the worse and not for the better. How I wish I know what's going on on this head of mine because even if it's my head, I honestly don't know why I'm thinking these things.

To top things off, one of the GMs I work with doesn't seem to like me that much. Or either that I don't like him...
I guess it's his arrogance that getting to me. It really surprised me to hear one of the admins calling him "Sir Marc". I'm even thinkin if it's just sheer jelousy because I am of the same status as that guy but she never calls me "ma'am" or is it really becasue I find it so arrogant of him to let people call him "sir"?

I know my life shouldn't be confusing and I'm just making things confusing for me but I just don't know. I still feel empty inside and I don't know why but I have to get out of this emptiness because I really don't want blood to be spilled in the office. I can take arrogance up to a certain level but I am still human after all. If that guy doesn't humble himself, he'll find that I am not one to be challenge. I don't go down without a fight.

So goes my conclusion...I don't have one yet. But I'll get one. I just have to figure out what's wrong with me first.