Reminicing the awful past...

Today is a time for reminicing for me.

My boyfriend is in Alominos today for a hearing. He had a vehicular accident a few months ago. He was with his two cousins that time. He was driving a pick-up truck from Bicol to Manila when they were side-swiped by a bus going on the same direction. He was hospitalized because of a fractured bone on his leg and some stitchings were need near his head and ear. He survived but his two cousins didn't.

I'm pretty close to those two cousins of his, especially the other one, Dennis. He makes me laugh and genuinely cares about my well being. He's a good singer and guitar player. And he always has a smile on his face even when you know that he has a problem or just sad about something. I really miss him very much. It was really a shock to me when they told me that he's dead. Flashes of images and memories went through my mind screaming at me. I wouldn't see him anymore. I would never hear his voice when he laughs or sing with his guitar strumming along the way. I wouldn't be cheering for him anymore when basketball season starts again. I wouldn't hear his jokes. I wouldn't see his smile. He would only be a memory to me from now on. A fond memory that will not be erased from my mind, ever. A memory that will be etched in my heart for all eternity.

It was harder for my boyfriend...when he was in the hospital we've talked about it and he seems to be blaming himself on the accident. Everyone from his family and friends tries to tell him that it wasn't his fault but I don't think he believes them and me.

Frankly speaking, it must be really hard for him. He was the only survivor after all. I couldn't imagine what he could be thinking all these months of blaming himself and playing the what if questions. The most painful part for me is that he wouldn't let me in his little world. He keeps it to himself and tries not to pester people about it. That's where I know that he's wrong. You can't move on if you cling to the past and blaming yourself for the accident will make it harder if not impossible.

There are some days that I feel so helpless. I guess this is one of those awful days. For me, it's really painful to just stand in the sidelines while the love of your life is struggling with his inner demons. But what can I do? I can't force him to tell me...it would make him resent me more if I do that. I have to wait until he opens up to me. And for me, that's the hardest thing to do. Just stand in the background waiting for the right moment to enter on cue.

For now, I'm just here waiting to be called.