I Can’t Do This Sam

Frodo’s immortal words in Lord of the Rings: Two Tower.

It’s what I’m feeling at the moment. It’s what my body and mind have been screaming ever since I’ve been working at this ant infested office. I can’t do this. This is too much for me to do.

I have been feeling like this ever since I’ve started working. But yesterday was the only time that it really sunk in and my body has started to feel the pressure. It’s already enough that I get crap from my aunt, but to get it from my boss as well, it’s too much to handle anymore.

One mistake was all it took. One mistake for someone to brand you something negative and it will stick to his/her mind for the rest of your days. And it all started with that accounting thing that my boss wanted me to do. I couldn’t do it on time because I honestly don’t know what to do with it. I suck at accounting. I can ask people about it but I still wouldn’t understand a thing. My one flaw in academics, anything to do with money and math, I suck big time.

That one flaw, that one mistake that took me forever to fix. It was engraved in the mind of my boss and now, nothing pleases her. All the things I do however I thought that it was well planned and initiated, however I thought that I was well written, she would find something that would make her frustrated and scold me.

Yesterday was the biggest blow that I had accepted silently. But inside I was screaming. I honestly wanted to cry my heart out because of all the insults that was aimed at me yesterday was the biggest insult I had heard about me. She told me that my English sucked big time.

Biggest blow. As I’ve said to my friend Jay when I texted him what happened. I could accept it when she told me I wasn’t using my common sense. I have to admit, I have the lowest common sense among my siblings. I admit to the fact that all the knowledge I have are based on reading and watching but in real life, I have so many things to learn still. I admit that yes, I do not use my common sense much. I don’t even think I have that much. I admit to that fact. So yes, I could be stupid at times.

But to tell me that I can’t write in proper English was the biggest insult anyone could give me. I have prided myself for more or less mastering speaking and writing English. Heck! I could even speak with a British accent without any problems! So hearing my boss said that to me was a blow in the face. It was something I wasn’t expecting her to say to me. It really hurt.

I came back to my desk yesterday almost on the verge of tears but I hold it up because I do not want to give her the satisfaction that she had hurt me. I wouldn’t want to give her that thought that I was so hurt that I wanted to tear her throat out. I didn’t want her to see me already at my lowest. I want her to see that I wasn’t affected by what she said to me. I want her to see that I am strong and can handle any insult she would give me. I held back the tears, not giving anyone the satisfaction of seeing me at my lowest. But inside I was screaming. Inside I wanted to crawl to the darkest part of the cave and stay there. I want to just wilt away and die. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want out.

“I can’t do this, Sam.” Frodo has said that to Sam when he was on the verge of turning evil because of the ring. But Sam was there for Frodo. Urging him on so that he wouldn’t give up. Staying with him until he has completed the mission.

I don’t have a “Sam” in my life. I don’t have anyone to urge me to finish my mission. The closest person to a “Sam” that I have is in Boston finishing up law in Harvard. He’s not here to urge me on, tell me that everything will be alright. Tell me that nothing will go wrong because he’s my Sam. All he could do is to just be there in spirit. But I need him physically more than just giving me moral support via email. I don’t have a Sam in my life. I’m all alone in this unknown land going deeper and deeper into the forest without a compass. Lost and all alone, I trudge to my doom. Waiting to breathe my last breath. All because my Sam isn’t here.

My boss told me yesterday that if I don’t shape up, she might end up looking for someone else. I hope that before that happens, I will get another job. I don’t want to be a bum again. The thought of staying at home is a good idea but I have bills to pay. Honestly, I’m just waiting to be called by my boss telling me that I only have a month to work here anymore.

I guess it’s for the better. I mean, the only reason I got this job was because I’m so desperate to take any job that was offered to me. But I’m still hoping that God would be kind enough to bless me with another job before I lose this one.

“I can’t do this Sam.” I’m tired of everything. I drag myself out of bed every morning for what? Get scolded because my sentence construction isn’t how she wanted. I have chest pains every other day. A new record for me. The last time was once every two weeks now it’s every other day. This job would be the death of me, that I’m sure.

“I can’t do this Sam.” The task that I must fulfill is very perilous. And I have no one I can turn to for support. I need a Sam. It’s alright if he isn’t a gardener and doesn’t have a Scottish accent. I just need someone who would be there and talk. Someone who would hold me, give me a tight hug while I cry on his shoulders. Someone I wouldn’t see having a romantic relationship with but close enough for people to think that we are. Someone who I can be at ease with. So by the end of the day, we would laugh about this.

Where are you Sam? I need you.