Another Day for Ranting

Just when I thought things are looking up for me, there was another blow on the head. Why do I keep on getting hit each time I'm trying to get up? I guess that's the way of life.

I have these fears inside of me that keeps creeping up inside. Something is simmering in the office at the moment and it would only take a few things to make it boil. And when it reaches the boiling point...well honestly, I really don't want to think about it.

I shed my first tear last night when I was talking to my officemate. Okay...so I have been crying a lot about many things, but this is the first time an officemate made me cry. Though when I told him this morning, he apologized profusely but this was a first time that someone not related to me, not my ex-fiance and not my bestest best friend in the whole world made me shed tears. It's not a great feeling, especially if that officemate was the office mate I really like.

But cried I did. I was at home tying in the MSN, and trying to explain to them the situation but my officemate blew his top (and it's not just what i was trying to explain to him but there was something else) and he let it all out on me. But as I've said, when I went to the office this morning he apologized. And since I like him, I have to forgive him right?

Anyway, that was my first rant.

Second rant, on to the discussion when I got to the office. So he explained the reason why he's a little ticked off that time...and whoa and behold I'm a little ticked off as well. One of the people I helped promote has been a little power hungry lately. And he's starting to ticked off a lot of people especially the people we needed the most. Our team in the office is already in trouble as it is because we're living in a bubble. Now he does this...honestly, I'm currently writing a letter to my superiors telling them about this...but I can't seem to finish it up. Why? I have honestly no idea!

Third rant, I guess this is one of those reasons why I can't seem to finish up a that letter to my superiors because I don't think my superiors are doing anything about this. I'm currently writing a letter to our big boss about my two superiors and their performance. I really don't think that they have the capability to head us. But who am I in the scheme of things right? Anyway, I'm still going to write a letter, hoping and praying that someone would listen.

And lastly, my conversation with this guy I like in the office. I thought things are really looking up for me. I know he doesn't like me, like me but at least that time I thought I had a chance at him. Now I learned that he's getting back together with his girlfriend. When he was telling me that, I honestly have a hard time breathing...But all I can do was congratulate him and wish him all the best. But inside I was screaming "Die bitch! Die!!!"

With that, I realize that I would be alone. Yeah, I know. I wrote this line a lot of times now. But that fear is still there. And with that new information that I got, do you really think that I would think differently?

That's my worse fear...living like my aunt. All alone with no one but herself. I've asked him and I've asked a friend of mine, what could be wrong with me that the good guys aren't even remotely interested in me and the jerks do? What is it about me that tends to lead them away?

I don't know the answer to that question. And I'm really hoping I find the answer to all this.

Honestly, at the moment, I'm really tired, stressed and wasted. I am feeling numb and cold. With what's going on in the office and my personal torment...I feel like I'm being torn apart without anyone there to help me. The office is divided. And I fear that the key people who is keeping me there would leave...and if they do...where would I go? I don't want us to separate...at least not yet. It's too soon for it. I've known these people for only a few months and they have made an impact in my life and I for one don't want them to leave me. And at this emotional state that I am in right now...I will trully break down and crumble to a million pieces if they do leave me.

I have friends...and I love them all dearly. But I don't want my new friends to leave me either. There is so much to be learned from one another that it would really hurt me so much if we go our separate ways...never to see each other again.

And with all of this happening in my life...this is what I most fear the most. I don't want to leave the third family I have established in the office. Not yet anyway. I still want to see Paul get married. See Ricky play out that Vampire game we so wanted to push through. See Dino get promoted to Game Manager. See Noel smoke free. See Raf pot free. See JC finally happy with his true heritage. See Christine walking down the isle with Jay.

So many fears...I wonder if I'll be able to see these push through?