I have always thought that I was over my ex. I thought that those long months of not seeing him and finding time for my family and friends has helped me get over the hurt and pain that he has caused me. I have always thought that I am strong enough to face a new day, start over and all that crap.
Maybe I was wrong...
Honestly, I was already anticipating this. I have always known that he had moved on. I also had this sinking feeling that he has already found someone. I tried to ready myself that news one day would reach my ears that a friend saw him and a new girl together. I have been gearing myself to that truth, that I will never be with him anymore. I thought I was ready for it. I thought I was strong enough already.
Then again, I was wrong...
It wasn't really a shock to me that he was the one who told me. We did have this agreement that I would know. I thought that if I got the news from him, it might soften the blow on me.
Okay...I was wrong...
It was really hard...honestly, it felt like my whole world was collapsing right in front of me and I can't do anything to stop it. My mind was reeling and I was just shocked...then angry...then sad...then lonely...then back to being angry...and then denial...then suicidal...then back to being lonely...and so on...
Even now, after two days had passed, I still can't believe this happened to me. I have always thought that I can do this. That I can be strong. That I can smile and laugh whole heartedly with my friends and family and move on.I know I have to move on but I know that it's really too hard. I have handled rejection. The first relationship I have didn't go out well either. And when I thought that this second one was the ONE, well...I wouldn't be writing this right?
I realize now that it's really over. All the hope that I have getting back together with him suddenly vanished when we talked. I not only lose a love, I've lost a friend.
But I am thankful to have friends who are there for me. People I can count on to cheer me up. And with them, I give my appreciation and thanks especially to Paul, Archie, Noel, Ricky, Nicco and Jay...especially Jay since he went through a lot just to go to me and cheer me up.
Will I ever love again? I'm not really sure...but I'm not closing my door either. Right now, I'm still broken and I'm just picking up the pieces. Yes, I might have a hard time falling in love again. Two mistakes were already made and I really don't want a strike three.
A brave face, I can do that. I have been putting on a great show when I'm with my family who up to now still doesn't know about the break up. And yes, I have no idea how to tell them that their future in-law has a girlfriend and it's not their sister.Why haven't I told them? I don't know who to tell my family that the guy who they treated like family had suddenly woke up one morning and realized that he didn't love me. And jerky as it might sound, I do not like my older brother committing murder because of it.
Anyway, as I just wollow in self pity, binge on the chocolates that are here at home and the fruit salad that I made for my sister's birthday, the cake that we bought, playing MU and killing off monsters thinking that its him, I'll still think about the good things that I still have: my family, my friends, and my jobs. At least that would keep me going until my sickness takes me or find myself in love again...if ever that happens.
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