Emulating Caden

I would like to apologize concerning my last post. That was just one of those nights when everything was so wrong, and times like those I am often in the state of where I thought there wasn't any hope. Funny thing about it though, I was suppose to delete it right after I posted it, but my PC was screwing up so I left it. Big mistake on my part.

I was knocked into my senses by friends and family. Most of them knocking me harder than usual. So, to friends you cared an knocked back to reality, I'm really sorry and thank you for being real friends.

Anyway, when people knocked some sense into me I find myself looking at some photos of Zsar's kids. Especially Caden. A little boy full of smiles and laughter. I don't need to be there to see that he brings joy to his parents with every giggle and smile he offers. He looks so happy. If I didn't know any better I would think that nothing is wrong with him.

Caden has OI (Osteogenesis Imperfecta). Quoting from Zsar's blog: "It means that with little or no apparent reason, my son's bones will fracture. He could sneeze and break a rib. We could change his diaper and effectively break both his legs without knowing it. We could burp him and cause tiny fractures all over. All the normal things that babies do when they grow ... rolling over, crawling and standing, are all oppurtunities for him to be in pain."

But through it all, through all the struggles, he's a happy little boy. And from what I gather from Zsar, he has been fracture free for the longest time now and I'm really happy.

For someone as young and small as Caden, he has fought and is still fighting eventhough he still doesn't know what he's fighting about. I see his smile in those pictures that Zsar posts in multiply and all I can say is 'why can't I be like him?'

Looking at him right now makes me want to crawl in a cave and hide in shame. I feel like a drama queen because here I am a grown adult and just because of some reason or another, wanted to give up on life. Even though it was a phase or something like it that I know I wouldn't mean come the next day, it's still shameful on my part that I am swimming in self-pity when here's a boy who's just a year old struggling to fight a battle far worse than what I have when I was growing up.

I forgot that I was also fighting all my life. I have forgotten the things I have accomplished even with my condition. I have forgotten the struggles I faced and eventually won just because of a little pain I had experienced last Monday.

And here's a boy, just one year old and he can smile despite what he's facing and about to face. I see myself looking at Caden and wished that I was him. I wish I had his strength. I wish I had smile. For someone so young, he has taught me a lot. He has opened my eyes and help me move on.

Caden has given me strength. I won't promise that I would stop being a drama queen every now and then but all I need to do is look at Zsar's kid and I know I can face anything the world will throw at me.