Always On The Outside

I had another attack yesterday. Hence, I was bed ridden the whole day today, also probably tomorrow too since both my siblings wouldn't want me to go back to work. And since I have nothing else better to do because I'm not allowed to work since the doctor did say complete bed rest.

It just made me realize something. I will never be a part of anything. I would always be left out because of this illness that I have. I will never experience how great it would be to really be a part of a group. They would always be wary, thinking that I shouldn't be seeing this, or shouldn't be eating or drinking this because of my condition.

I hate this feeling. I hate it more than I hate being in a one sided love. I hate being the one people take care of because one minute I'm great but the next minute I'm in pain for one reason or another. I hate being left out because I can't relate to them since I am not allowed to experience what they're experiencing. I hate being left alone while others have fun. I hate them double checking because they know that I may not be able to handle things like they do. I just hate the fact that I can never be normal.

I see my friends and officemates everyday. I see them hang out with each other but when it comes to me, they would always be reserved. Yeah, we joke around and stuff but I will always have this feeling that I will always be left out mainly because they know that I can never be like them. Try as I might to be like them, even I know that I can't. I will never be a part of anything, even if I try. I will always be stuck in the sidelines, never experiencing the things that they do.

It made me go back to our trip last Saturday. Those few precious hours before we head back to Manila. Before the accident. That was the only time I felt I was part of something. Those few precious moments made me feel that I belonged somewhere. I wanted to stop time and just hold that memory. It was like a dream that I never wanted to wake up. But alas, I did wake up and it was back to reality. Back to the place where I will never belong.

Sometimes I even wish that last night's pain wouldn't go away and have taken me with it. Sometimes I wish that I didn't survive. Maybe if I didn't then I wouldn't be feeling this miserable.

I survived the pain, but at what cost? I have been isolated already because of my attacks, now I feel more isolated than ever. Now, more than ever I know that I would always be on the outside looking in, never going to be part of the crowd that I'm looking at.

Is being isolated like this worth being a survivor? On nights like these, I sometimes wish I never did survive.