The Debate In My Mind

It has been around 2 weeks since I have resigned from my last company. And while it has done a lot of good where my health is concerned, it is currently creating havoc in my mind.

On the good notes, I have started to breath better. I don't struggle for breath unlike before that breathing was a real chore. Now, I can breathe deeply and air would fill my lungs enough for me to breathe normally until the next deep breath.

I get to sleep for 12 hours again. So, my body is slowly getting back the much needed rest that my lack of sleep has done.

But even with the 12 hour sleep every day, I still have problems sleeping at night mostly due to the fact that I have this ongoing debate in my mind that hasn't reached a consensus.

Right now, I feel like I took up the mantle of being the family disappointment. In my family's eyes, I have no job and no possible prospect except for that possible job in January that might not even push through because I haven't heard from them since the last time we've spoken. And I'm not actually doing anything to change that. Which led me to the ongoing debate in my mind.

I know I need to work by January. The question of what kind of work is the one that's on debate. In line with my recent health issue, I know that working in an office would give me so much stress that any type of office work for me would give me one kind of stress that I might not be able to handle. And I could only take so much stress with me before I would again give up and look for another job...and the cycle would continue until the day I die (which would come sooner if I don't keep the stress down to a minimum). But what job can I get that would have the minimum stress level that I can handle? None. Every single job out there right now would entail me to be stressed one way or another that I know I would be able to handle only until a certain level and then, I would have to pack up once more.

I tried looking at options. Browsing through classifieds and looking at the same types of jobs over and over again. What I see though is another CAI-Asia. And I really don't want to put myself in that position again. I told myself that I would rather remain the family disappointment than put myself in that position where I not only felt humiliated, insulted but I felt that I was degraded to the lowest of the low.

But a job, I need and a job I must have to help out with the family finances. But there are no other options out there for me right now that doesn't require me to go to an office everyday. Although, my writing gig at essays is still there (which reminds me, I have to renew my contract for them), it's really not enough to live off it, not unless I can write 10 articles a day everyday which I can't. If I could just have like 20 writing gigs per month that pays me P1000/article (which is a standard for most magazines and newspaper), then I would be fine. That would be the ideal job for me that doesn't require me to go to the office everyday, but rather I can work from the comforts of my home or a decent coffee shop with a good internet connection.

But I am not living in a fantasy world where that is possible. I'm living in a third world country who's idea of a good article is copy-pasted off wikipedia. And the best writers out there have day jobs.

And so, the debate continues. I know what I want and I am looking for ways to get what I want but it's hard. Especially for someone like me who was only DC Kids Magazine as a job experience in the writing department. And what I want isn't what my family needs right now so I have to have that in mind as well.

Getting a healthy balance in my life is really hard right now. I'm annoyed, frustrated and helpless. Although I can't blame anybody but myself in this. But the debate in my mind continues until there's a light in the end of the tunnel that gives me the option to make my family happy at the same time would satisfy me. While that isn't happening, I'll try to squeeze in a story or two that if God willing, publishers would be interested in publishing...and here I go again with my impossible dreams....