Dear Jase,
Well, I think it's only apt that I would be reviving my blog with a letter for you. It has been roughly two years since I've last posted something here and I guess it's time I try to revive it.
So here we are right now. Carl and I are by your grave cleaning it up so your siblings would find it clean and fix when they visit you. You're lucky that you were buried under a tree or else Carl and I wouldn't be able to stay long. The heat is still unbearable and it's close to Christmas already. I hope that come Christmas, it would be a bit colder. Although it gets a bit chilly at night but not as cold as it once was. Carl said that it's not as cold in New York either but winter is coming.
So pleasantries aside, let's go to the nitty gritty.
20 years...20 years since you've said your goodbye. 20 years of trying to move passed the loneliness, the fear, the regrets and the sorrow. 20 years of learning. 20 years of change. 20 years. 20 long years and here are Carl and I, doing this every year for passed 20 years. Missing you.
It's not easy losing the "third musketeer". Athos and Aramis is nothing without Portos after all. But we thrived. We survived and kept on surviving. Some parts of our lives, we've moved on from. Carl had experience marriage, kids and divorce. He's living as a single dad (you know how good a lawyer uncle Charles is that Carl won the custody battle for his kids), now trying to raise two teenagers...how time flies. Michael is already 18 and has plans to move out already. Carl was a bit teary eyed when he mentioned that to me. He's feeling a bit of separation anxiety already. But he says he's fine.
As for me, well...it's still just me. After two relationships, almost got married once but he ended up not wanting me, the one still hasn't found me. I've stopped hoping already actually. Maybe there really isn't anyone for me out there. Carl joked that I might be looking at the wrong group. He was whacked in the head really hard for that remark though.
Carl told me not to mention his life here anymore since he claims that it's pretty much the same thing after college. He worked, took care of his kids, he worked. Rinse. Repeat.
Me? Well, it was one job after another. It got pretty tiring at some point. Couldn't last in a company for more than two years because of health reasons. Yup, it's still there. The stress level when I was working really took it's toll on me that really, two years is all I could usually manage in a company. Now I'm trying to open up a business ("trying" being the operative word) and it's not easy. I'm currently wondering how much stress I'm going to work my way up this time. Carl said I shouldn't think about it because if I think about it more, it would sure happen and I would just one day find myself in the hospital.
I miss the both of you, actually. Carl and I don't really get to communicate often anymore. This yearly visit to you is like a reunion for the two of us actually. This is actually the only real time we get to talk and hang out. Work and kids keep him busy and the time difference between us is like 12 hours that I would be asleep while he's taking lunch. And as for me, well, I'm currently lost in oblivion. I do still write though. It's one of the things that I haven't stopped doing all these years but it varied. I also started baking and so far I can make a mean egg pie and chocolate chip cookies. You would have loved it.
There is one change in my life that would be noticeable and Carl found it refreshing. I've met these great ladies that I now usually hang out with.We met because of a fansclub that I've joined in (and I see Carl snickering in the background as I type this) and so far, they're really great. Remember when I was having a hard time befriending girls when we were younger because I don't find anything similar with them that's it was really hard to bond with them? We'll these girls are different. Aside from our love for this lovely couple we're going gaga over, I find that I can also talk to them about other topics and interest. We all share a love for food and baking. One girl (Lulu) has more or less the same musical interest as me which is truly refreshing. Apz also likes to bake but she's more of the non-bake goods. She is always game, ready to help out when we need her. She's fun to be around. Raqz writes too. She's the only one who got me to read Tagalog stories as she writes very well. Sweet is like Apz, always game and always there when you need her. And then there's Anne. She doesn't usually join us when we go out because she's busy with family life but when she does, it's always a riot. There's never a dull moment when she's there.
These girls helped me a lot especially during the time that I really needed a friend. I don't blame you or Carl for not being there for me because how can you? But I'm just glad that these girls are there. Real friends. Not like the ones in the past where they only befriend me so they can get close to the two of you. For a short period of time, I can call them my "sisters". They help ease the pain. They help me move on.
Carl said that he doesn't have the same group of friends that I have right now but when he was new to the divorce and raising his kids, he also found this group that helped him out in New York. He said they meet occasionally but not as often as I have with my friends.
So, I guess that's that. Carl said that this letter is very therapeutic for the both of us. So feel free to laugh, cry and then laugh some more when you read this.
We still miss you Jase, we always do. I still can't listen to King and Queen of Hearts and Got to Believe in Magic without tearing up. The tears don't fall anymore but those songs still make me remember you. Carl said he tears up when he sees someone playing the piano. You were so good at playing that whenever Carl finds someone playing the piano anywhere, it reminds him of you.
We hope you're enjoying yourself up there. We hope that you've also made new friends. Heck, Carl hopes that you've rekindled your relationship with his sister and said that you should take care of her.
I am reminded of what Mad Hatter said to Alice in the movie "Alice Through The Looking Glass":
"My Dear Alice. In the gardens of memory, in the palace of dreams. That is where you and I will meet."
At the moment, all Carl and I could do is just close our eyes and imagine you're here with us. That we're complete once more and doing our usual antics. Until that time when we'll finally see each other again.
We really miss you Jase and we'll see you soon...although not too soon. We hope you understand. :P
Miss you lots,
Carl and Mikey
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